helluvamess | [tlv] character inbox

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"If you're hearing this then I can't be fucked answering right now or some other shit-covered fuckwich is going down on this boat so I'll get back to you when the fuck I can!"

---

[The door to Blitzø's cabin looks like a typical shitty apartment door. Inside is pretty much exactly a shitty apartment. The door marked "Loona's room" does not open when tried and it appears that Blitzø himself sleeps on the couch. The walls are covered with images and drawings of horses, however every picture of Blitzø has his face scribbled over.]

[text/audio/video/action]

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Could you come by

Now.
Please.

There isn't an answer to the text. Just a few long moments before Blitzø slams into the door, curses loudly and colourfully, then claws it open.

"What happened? Are you bleeding? Do I need to get Florian in here?"

Alexei appears to be entirely in one piece and not bleeding, but he doesn't say anything as he closes the distance between them, promptly picks Blitzø up off the ground like an oversized stuffed toy, takes him over to the couch and sits down with his head buried against the imp's shoulder.

He might talk to Florian later. Maybe.

Oh shit, this is bad bad, worse than bleeding out bad. Bleeding out he could probably deal with easier, but this kind of unseen hurt? Fuck if he doesn't immediately know it's way worse.

He curls his arms and tail around Alexei, threading his claws through his hair and gently rubbing circles against his scalp and back. He doesn't ask or say anything, just holds him and makes sure he knows he's there for him if he feels like talking. He's seen others he cares about like this before and sometimes it's too soon to speak the hurt.

He's quiet like that for a while, holding on to Blitzø with the bridge of his nose tucked against his shoulder and his eyes shut, the side of one thumb lightly fidgeting against the fabric of his clothes.

After some time has gone by, he turns his head a little bit and loosens his hold on the imp just slightly.

"Thanks for coming."

"Hey, what're friends for?" It feels weird saying it, friends when he's not sure he's good enough for that with Alexei, but that doesn't mean he's not gonna try.

"You'd have done the same for me." That much he does believe whole-heartedly at least. He lets the other man move as he likes but doesn't pull away unless Alexei starts to, content to keep holding him and rubbing soothing patterns on his skin.

"Wanna talk about what happened?"

"Yeah, I would."

Any time. Of course he would. Blitzø's friendship was something he never saw coming and something never in doubt is that he'd do anything for him.

He takes a breath and sits up, his gaze lowered and expression wavering.

"It's Abel, he... Fuck, this is gonna sound stupid." Alexei rubs his face with one hand. "He wants to be with me, but... there's someone else he wants to be with, too, and I just... feel like I'm supposed to just... deal with it. I didn't even get a fucking chance to say if it was something I was okay with."

"...oh." Without Alexei in his arms, he instead digs his claws into the couch, feeling vaguely guilty with the realisation that this wasn't that different from his own shit.

All the more reason to try and help Alexei get a better deal out of it than Blitzø himself had gotten, then.

"It's not stupid," he says quietly, giving the other man a gentle smile and taking his hand. "It's ok not know what to do or need a while to think about it. Or even to be mad that he didn't give you a chance to think for a minute before you had to choose."

It's hard not to think of his own situation in this, the edges bleeding together, and he tries to focus on Alexei instead. "Fuck, if it just happened you should at least take a minute to think about how you even feel."

"I wish I was fucking mad about it. It'd be easier if I was."

Anger is easy. He knows what to do with anger. How it feels, how to work through it. This, though..? This feels like trying to hold up a room that's falling apart and all he has to work with are his own two hands.

"I just..."

He exhales sharply through his nose. Emotions are hard and he's not good at them, especially when it comes to his own.

"... I'm never gonna be enough for him, am I. No matter how much I try. And—... maybe I deserve that."

Blitzø winces instinctively at the words; they sound like they could have come from his own head, and it twists his guts to think Alexei feels this way when he hasn't even done anything wrong.

"Who gives a fuck if he decides you're not enough," he growls, suddenly almost irrationally angry. "You haven't done shit to deserve this, and you're a better person than other fuckers on this boat. If he can't see that then maybe you should be with someone who does instead."

"I've done everything to deserve this, Blitz!"

Not quite shouting, the worst burst out in upset frustration and he grits his teeth against the tightness in the back of his throat, quickly rubbing at one corner of his eyes with the back of his wrist.

"Fuck. I'm lucky he even looks at me after what I've done to him."

Blitzø immediately wraps himself around Alexei as much as he can again, not sure exactly what to say to get rid of the thoughts clearly plaguing the other man.

"You don't deserve to be hurt," he says after a moment. "I don't know what happened before, but the Alexei I met here doesn't deserve to be treated like shit or made to feel like he's not enough. He's a better guy than he thinks he is."

Alexei just lets out a sharp breath and wraps his arms tight around the imp, pulling him in close and burying his head against his shoulder again. It's all a mess in his head - what he should and shouldn't be thinking, what he should think is fine about what he's been presented with, and he doesn't really want to think too hard about any of it just now.

"I think you're biased as fuck," he mutters into his friend's shoulder. "But-- thank you." Deep breath, exhale...

"I love you, man."

"What, like you're not?" He knows what it feels like, to be so certain, bone-deep, that they were the problem and they deserved whatever punishment they were given, that even the barest scraps were too good. He doesn't know Alexei's full story and why he thinks so little of himself, and yeah it's definitely his own problem that Blitzø is immediately certain it's nowhere near as bad as his own sins, but that's not what it's about. For what little he feels like he's learned here, he knows that trying to convince Alexei that he's worse is gonna do fuck all about helping him.

He doesn't really know what would help, if there's even anything that would be enough. But maybe he can just be here for him.

He tightens his grip and squeezes Alexei gently. "Fucking gay. I love you too."

So maybe he is, and of all the people on this fucking tub it never stops being completely wild to him that someone who genuinely gets him the most is a guy who came here out of literal hell. Maybe what he's done in his life isn't as bad, but if it all comes out to the same end does it really matter?

He lets out a soft little laugh when he's squeezed and leaves his forehead resting against Blitzø's for a few seconds more before he straightens up and looks at him.

"You don't have to stick around if you've got shit to do."

"Figure I'll go check in your idiot, see if I can knock some sense into him," he admits, knowing that hiding it from Alexei would probably not go down well with the man.

"Probably just make sure he's fine, not gonna tell him anything since I figure he can either work it out himself or ask you. Maybe he'll even listen next time."

It would not, and he still frowns at the idea despite the imp being up front with it. He's about to shake his head and refuse entirely before he makes the clarification and Alexei just sighs, pulling Blitz in against him and propping his chin against his shoulder again.

"You don't have to get yourself involved," he sighs out. "Pretty sure he feels like shit, too, but I know if I try to talk to him right now I'm gonna say something I'll regret."

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