helluvamess | [tlv] character inbox

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"If you're hearing this then I can't be fucked answering right now or some other shit-covered fuckwich is going down on this boat so I'll get back to you when the fuck I can!"

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[The door to Blitzø's cabin looks like a typical shitty apartment door. Inside is pretty much exactly a shitty apartment. The door marked "Loona's room" does not open when tried and it appears that Blitzø himself sleeps on the couch. The walls are covered with images and drawings of horses, however every picture of Blitzø has his face scribbled over.]

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Alright, Shortstack, looks like it's you and me this month. Looks like I might even be your first, so if you need a hand with the whole 'The Fuck Should I Expect From Wardens 101' talk, I'm happy to help.

Yeah, look dipshit. I'm not about to help you with whatever fancy ass deal you've been offered if you graduate someone, so you should probably go running back to Admiral Daddy and tell him how you need someone else, alright?

And this is why we're playing Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader: Barge Edition! To cure you of all the misconceptions that ail you!

[In a less forcefully enthusiastic, more naturally chill tone:]

Neither of us get a say in you being the guy who gets me my deal, man. You won't get anyone a deal, even if you do spontaneously graduate right now, unless you've got a permanent Warden.

Then I guess this whooooole fuckfest is a waste of time, isn't it? So you may as well take your shit-stained ass and go back to jerking it to how great redemption is or whatever you assholes do to become wardens.

Yeah, yeah, I'm the stupid asshole that thought helping people was a bold and noble cause, sure.

You know what else I am? Alive if I go home. That is what graduating good for.

Yeah well maybe I didn't ask for that either, fuckface.

Well, then maybe redemption's not what you're here for. There's plenty of assholes here who haven't like, done anything seriously wrong like entire Geneva violations.

Sometimes it's just... y'know, you need a hand finding something to live for again.

Look, I don't know what the fuck a Geneva violation is, but I kill people for a living and it pays really fucking well, so that's not changing if I go back. But we both know I'm not going to go back so what is the fucking point of being here anyway?

Not to go full Sun Tsu here, but like. Are you living for the kill, or just killing for a living?

'cos I'll tell you now two of my best friends are a recovered serial killer and a war general by proxy, I know plenty of people with blood on their hands. But there's gotta be more to your life than just waiting for the next hit to come down the line.

Edited 2024-02-16 10:59 (UTC)

[The FUCK is up with this guy? He doesn't bat an eyelid at the type of shit that usually gets a reaction and Blitzø does not appreciate how accurate some of his observations are.]

Fuck, it's just a job as far as I'm concerned. There's plenty of vengeful sinners who'll pay good money for me to pop up topside and explode a few heads. I've got bills to pay too, you know.

And I do plenty other than working too!

Yeah? Let's hear it. 'cos right now you sound like you've got Beelzebupkis.

[Despite himself he snorts because "Beelzebupkis" is good ok.]

I've got a business and a daughter! So there!

Hey, whaddaya know? I've got a daughter too. Anne, she's nearly ten.

[There is an air of Suspicion because he knows that this is probably under the "getting to know you" part of warden manipulation. :| ]

So why'd you agree to be here then? Don't you wardens get a choice and you signed on for it? Seems like a shit parent move.

Ehh. Bunch of reasons. I'm not winning any dad of the year awards, basically. I haven't been home in like, three years thanks to work.

[Wow fuck this guy, now he feels guilty.]

At least you can fucking admit it.

...what do you do for work?

Corporate slave. Literally.

No shit? Guess that's a reason to be away so long. So what, bartering for freedom with the Admiral?

Let's go with "writing the reason for being arrested out of existence" for now.

[He can tell it's a touchy matter, and for the moment doesn't push further.]

Yeah well, not all of us get some big fancy offer for being here. Hope it pays off like you want.

Well right now I'm two for two on folks going back to the great blue yonder before their time, so I'm still working on the payoff.

[He gives a dry huff.] Honestly, this place is the most work I've ever done in my life.

Hah! I knew it, shit at your job. Not that it matters since there ain't enough power in this boat or anywhere else to get me to do this stupid graduation bullshit.

This isn't a job, Santa's Saddest Reindeer, it's volunteer work with a single massive pay-out. My job is that corporate slave life. Being used as a lab rat for mad scientists and aliens alike.

Lab rat, huh. Did the aliens get all probey with you?

Nah, they were more in the business of maybe-not-evil-but-definitely-missing-the-point clones. My evil capitalist overlords were the ones who used me as a human lab rat.

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